The Sweet Smell of Failure

I woke up way earlier than I needed to this morning (as I often do). My mind used this as an opportunity to jump directly into fifth gear and started bombarding me with a cornucopia of sad and depressing thoughts (as it often does). One “failed” relationship after another ran through my mind. I wallowed in this experience for about 15 minutes before recognizing the pattern as something that needed breaking, lest it go on for hours and irreversibly color my day with sadness before it even got started.

So I reached into the stash of four or five “spiritual” books I generally have going at any given time in order to disrupt the cycle. I selected a book on Toltec wisdom that I’m not especially interested in, mostly because I figured that I could just skim through it lightly until I felt sleepy without having to worry about missing anything. I randomly opened to a portion of the book where the author describes the dissolution of her relationship with her husband (who happened to be the author and shaman Don Miguel Ruiz). She wrote: “Because I knew inside myself that this dream I was living with Miguel was dead, I told Miguel he had to let me go. We needed to move into another dream. He did not want to do it but because I asked him, he said he would. He would cut emotional ties with me. This was the deepest talk we had ever had.”

When I had read enough to break my mind’s closed loop of melancholic indulgence, I shut the book, cut off the light and prepared to grab a couple of more hours of sleep. But then a different part of my mind, a part perhaps more closely connected to the wisdom of my heart, became engaged. I began mulling over these same relationships but from a different perspective.

I thought about the old flame I tried to rekindle with a few years back and how I moved half way across the country only to find myself in a cold, spiteful relationship which fell apart in matter of weeks. But instead of viewing this as a failure, I saw how this relationship was actually a masterful and compassionate gesture of the Universe which moved me in the direction of my highest good.

The summer of 2002 was a very painful time for my family which made hearing from B. a much needed surprise. Now B. wasn’t just a run of the mill ex-girlfriend. For ten years she had resided in my mind as “the one that got away.” So when she contacted me out of the blue my heart skipped more than a few beats. Long story short, we called and emailed a bit that summer. She came to visit me and then I went to visit her. We quickly convinced ourselves that we were in love and in January of ’03, I packed up everything that I owned and headed out to Denver to be with her.

As I mentioned, this was a very, very difficult time for my family. With everything that was going on, there was no way that my rational mind would have allowed me to leave during such an emotionally turbulent time. But something- my soul, my spirit, my guardian angel- I don't know- something- knew that I desperately needed to make a move. So the Universe, in its infinite wisdom and resourcefulness, simply circumvented my mind by calling in the one person in the entire world who had enough "pull" to lure me away.

Now in retrospect, this relationship had disaster written all over it right from the beginning. But that’s not the point. Rather, the point is that the Universe knew what I needed and knew what it would take to open me up to receiving it.

Within two months of my arrival in the mile high city the relationship imploded. We were just not a good fit for one another on any level. I was sad and lonely for several months as I had moved to a strange city in which I knew no one except B. But gradually I began to make friends and carve out a life for myself. Eventually, I landed a job at a fairly happening restaurant and then proceeded to have the best year of my life, doing yoga every morning and waiting tables at night. Even more importantly, my spiritual life shifted dramatically during this time. I began to delve into Buddhism and other spiritual systems. I read tons of insightful books and went on several boundary stretching retreats. I only lived in Denver for 18 months but it was an amazingly transformative time for me. And to think that the impetus for all of that growth was a “failed” relationship!

So then my mind turned to another difficult episode in my life. Back in 1999, when I was about 3 years sober, I went through an extremely painful time with a male friend of mind. D. was one of my oldest friends who over the years had proven himself to be unusually generous and supportive. But, unbeknownst to D., our relationship had been out of balance for some time. For several years, I felt inferior to D. I saw many attributes and qualities in him that I did not see in myself. I felt that I was essentially less than D.

Well, that summer, I met an awfully cute girl at the beach and we started dating. To make a long story short (and this is a vast oversimplification) after dating for about 6 weeks, this young woman left me and started dating D. Now because she and I had only been dating for about 6 weeks, (and to tell the truth, until she left, I really wasn’t that into her) under different circumstances, it is conceivable that I could moved on without too much difficulty. But the problem was, when this woman jumped my ship for D’s, it hit me directly in a spot that was excruciatingly sensitive. I already felt less than D. to begin with and so this young lady leaving me for him landed on me like an atom bomb. I was absolutely devastated. And though I initially attributed the pain to the loss of this great girl to my dirty, rotten scoundrel “friend”, I eventually realized that it actually stemmed from the fact that, in my mind, this whole incident was merely a confirmation of what I already believed was true- that D. was a better man.

I wish I could say I handled this with perfect aplomb but I most certainly did not. I cried and felt sick to my stomach periodically for several days and then hated my friend with a burning passion for several years. We barely spoke over the next 2 or 3 years and when we did speak I made sure to let him know how badly he had hurt me and how intensely I resented him for it.

As time passed, I stayed sober and continued to work on myself, doing what I could to grow spiritually and emotionally. I had gone back to college just a few weeks after this whole thing went down and over the course of several years I enjoyed quite a bit of academic success, making myself into an unlikely candidate for medical school along the way. As even more time passed, I began to date and found myself in a few successful relationships. Gradually, as I felt better about myself, my resentment towards my friend cooled and our relationship slowly began to repair itself.

The feelings I experienced immediately after this incident were some of the most painful of my life though I know now that they were part of a healing crisis. A boil of sorts had been lanced and the emotional pus needed to flow. It wasn’t pretty but it was absolutely necessary. The pain I felt ended up being a crucible in which a large dose of my “I’m not good enough” karma was incinerated.

Now, eleven years down the road, D and I have been back in each other’s lives for many years, only this time on a much more even keel. I know that D isn’t a better man. He’s just a man- a talented, open hearted man, imperfect like me, and one that I am grateful to call my friend.

So these are just two examples of “failed” relationships that, when viewed from a higher plane, reveal themselves to be the beautifully orchestrated work of a greater intelligence. In some mysterious way, souls seem to have the ability to come together out of profound love and compassion to initiate healing. In this dimension, these healings are often thoroughly disguised by the pain and sorrow that they bring. But I can see this morning how these same “failed”, relationships have beautifully and elegantly served to direct me towards my highest good.

So this morning, I am profoundly grateful to B. In another time and place, a place that is at once time-less and place-less, I can see my soul making an agreement with B’s soul- “Hey, when I am unable to break the ties that have me bound, will you come and find and set me free?” And I hear B’s soul reply “Of course I will, my Love.” And then my soul sought out D’s soul and said “I trust you and know that you love you me. When my soul gets bombarded by the stories ego spins about me being ‘less than’, will you come and find me and teach me that I don’t have to compare myself to others?” And D’s soul replied “Of course I will, my Love.”

And there have been others that I have taught me lessons equally as profound. I apparently asked another soul “When the voices of self hate threaten to overwhelm me, will you come find me and teach me to show myself compassion” And this soul replied “Of course I will, my Love.” And I asked another soul “When my mind and heart become closed to possibility, will you come find me and show me the healing power of love and community?” And this soul replied “Of course I will, my Love”

Now I can’t say for certain that this is the way things are. I don’t knowingly travel in astral realms nor do I remember any time I may have spent in the bardo. But there has been so much coincidence, healing, good fortune, perfect timing and second chances in my life that something magical and loving, unseen and beneficent has to be afoot. I don’t understand it. I’ve just lived it.

So let’s return to the Toltec wisdom. I find it interesting that the author states that because her “dream”/relationship was “dead,” she needed to move into a different dream (one that was presumably, “alive.”) Relationships are the most crucial element of this human experience, are they not? And as we all know, they can be beautiful or painful, healing or destructive, loving or violent (though perhaps most commonly a hodgepodge of all of these in varying degrees.) While relationships seem to be the fundamental healing instrument employed by the Universe, as the author points out, they are all still part of the dream (or the nightmare, depending on the nature of the relationship.) That is, relationships, as deep and profound as they appear from our human vantage point, remain merely instruments, beautiful instruments, which will one day also be surrended and forgotten once the Great Reality to which they lead us is realized.

As long as the dream stays “alive”, one can assume that the relationship is functioning to help each soul attain its highest good. But when the dream dies, it may signal that it is time for the souls to move on and seek vital dreams, ones in which new lessons can be learned and new healings can occur.

Having the wisdom to know when this time has arrived is a gift that that should be counted among the most merciful of graces, one that I wish for myself and others in the greatest abundance.

Gassho

Old School

The following is an email exchange from the Fall of 2008 between myself and a former professor of mine.

In the fall of 1999 I decided to give undergrad another try. I enrolled at the College of William and Mary and started taking pre-med classes. That first semester I found myself in Dr Orwoll's General Chemistry class. Bob Orwoll is an incredibly kind and dignified man. His encouragement and generosity were invaluable to a young man facing an uphill battle with self doubt. I am eternally grateful that the Universe saw fit to have such a kind soul waiting for me when I was ready to take chance on something that at the time seemed like quite a long shot. Gassho


Hey Bob- Christian O'Neil here- one of your former Chemistry proteges. You cross my mind from time to time and I thought I'd take a minute to write.

It was the Fall of 1999 when I started my second college career at W&M.

When I walked in to your class, I knew that O was oxygen, H was hydrogen and was reasonably certain that N was nitrogen. That was about the extent of my chemistry knowledge. To make a long story short, I did go on to medical school- I started at the University of Cincinnati in 2004. I graduated a few months ago and am now a first year psychiatry resident at the University of New Mexico.

Anyway, just wanted to drop a line and say hello. Your kindness and patience during my first semester (when I was surrounded by all of those bright, young whippersnappers) has not been forgotten. Hope all is well with you. Best- Christian O'Neil MD : )



Hi Christian O'Neil MD,

It's letters like yours that make teaching so rewarding.

I can confess to you now that, during your first weeks in General
Chemistry, I thought that you had set an unachievable goal for
yourself. As you just wrote, you showed little understanding of the
basic principles of math and science. I'd seen others with similar
good intentions but without the basic knowledge who didn't even make
it to the end of the first semester. I was quite certain that you
were going to be another casualty. So when you finished with your A
in my class, I gave myself a good scolding for prejudging your
case. You taught me an important lesson.

So, Christian, my enthusiastic congratulations for your
accomplishments have to be tempered a little with an apology for my
doubts that you wouldn't even make it through General Chem. Your
persistence and determination were outstanding.

So, thank you for writing. Your e-mail made my day.

Bob

So, Which Way Are You Going?

She definitely caught my eye. Jesus, how could she not have? Before my censor could step in, I heard myself blurt out, “So, which way are you going?” She said “I’m not.” I said “You’re not what?” She said “Going a way. I’m just going.” I thought that sounded cool. “Mind if I go?” She shook her head ‘No’. “Was that 'No, you don’t mind’ or ‘No, I can’t go?’” She told me to shut up and smiled and took my hand.

So we started walking. There were several paths to choose from and we just picked the one that felt right (though we really didn’t give it much thought). We talked some but mostly just held hands and enjoyed the silence.

All of sudden, while I was rambling on about nothing, she stopped, turned towards me with big, wide eyes and said “SHHHH!” I said, “Did you just SHHH me?” Then she looked at me with the most reverent expression I’d ever seen and gently whispered “Shhh.” I stood there and stared at her for what seemed like forever. Finally she spoke “I think…I think this might be the place.” Then she smiled and her eyes rolled gently back “Oh God…I’m sure of it”

Then I too became sure of it.

And then everything just got real good (though nothing had actually changed at all). Rather it was as if the goodness that had always been suddenly became perfectly obvious.

We looked at each other, our faces a mix of awe and bliss, and burst into a fit of tears and laughter. And then we just laughed and cried and danced and cried and cried.

And then, as best as I can describe, our hearts kind of merged together into one giant heart which took off up through the clouds and flew around the entire world. And then it went around the sun. And then it went around all worlds and all suns throughout all time and all times. We just laid upon the ground, watching, spectators to the grandest, yet simplest, most indescribably beautiful scene one could imagine.

At some point, we drifted off into a deep, restful sleep (the only real sleep either of us had ever known). We awoke facing one another, each looking at the other with a recognition of what had always been. Eventually, our hearts returned and were gladly re-embodied- though from then on I was never again really “me” and she was never again really “her” (but we pretended we were anyway 'cause it made it more fun.)

So we started back walking as there was nothing else that needed doing, time having been rendered utterly meaningless.

We just walked and walked until eventually, she was gone. And then, sometime later, I was gone. And, finally, at long last, the path was gone.

At that exact moment, in another time and place, in another universe altogether, a girl caught a young man’s eye. He smiled and asked “So, which way are you going?”

Right Now, Just Like This

"The problem is that you think something has to happen. It's actually happening continuously, and you simply don't see it. I don't have anything that you don't have. The difference is that I am no longer looking for anything. This is it, and that's the end of it. Give up the search for something to happen and fall in love, fall intimately in love with the gift of presence in what is. Here, right here, is the seat of all that you will ever long for. It is simple and ordinary, and magnificent. You see, you are already home"- Tony Parsons

No need to change anything. No need for "you" to "get" this. Nothing to "get". The person who thinks that they don't get this, who thinks they need to change, grow, improve, have more of this or less of that- all beside the point.

It's Just This- "Radically, Always and Already"

The thinking you don't get it is precisely "getting it". It's impossible to not get. Getting is All There Is, even when it looks/feels/seems like not getting (which it's not). There is only freedom, even when it is labeled bondage. It's here, now. The way it is. The universe is always forthcoming, always generous, never hides the Way It is from us. 'Cause we are it- the way we are now.

How touching