About 3 years ago I decided I was going to get a real tattoo. I had gotten some little stuff done over the years but became ready to get to big piece- some real artwork. I thought about it awhile and came up with a Buddhist image that I liked, though didn't love. Based on a recommendation, I set up an appointment with Mike Dorsey at Permanent Productions in Cincinnati. When I got there I showed him what I had in mind. He said that it would be no problem. As it turned out, Mike was pretty knowledgeable about Buddhist imagery and, for the hell of it, showed me a painting he had purchased from another tattoo artist (who had, in turn, purchased it from a Nepali artist.) He didn't know her name or anything about her- he just thought it was cool and that I might like to see it. Well, the painting blew me away- it was of a goddess, fierce and sexy and engulfed in flames. I knew right then it was what I would be getting. "Can you do that instead?" I asked. "Sure- but it's going to have to be a lot bigger." "That's fine." Sixteen hours later, she was on my back- and under my skin.
After the tattoo was finished, I walked around with my shirt off more. Mike did a beautiful job and we don't get tattooed to keep the hidden right? The size and color caught peoples' eyes I guess and not infrequently, people would ask (or try to guess) who she was. I heard it all- Kali, Red Tara, etc. Truth was, I didn't know myself (pun intended). I would just answer "a Nepali goddess." To back up for a second, one reason that I knew I was ready to get a big piece done was because I had gotten over the idea that a tattoo had to "mean" something. That puts a lot of pressure on someone I think, forcing them to stress and struggle to choose the exact "right" thing. I decided that I was just going to get something that looked cool, that I thought would look good on my body. (The other thing that needed to happen before getting a piece this size was that I needed to be OK with regret. Tattoos may come out looking like shit and you may hate it. But it will go with you to your grave so if you're not sure, better get something small and inconspicuous because there is no going back.) So for several months, I just went around with this goddess on my back, not knowing (or caring) what she represented. She was just decoration.
So last summer, I was at a hot springs in Colorado and a woman stopped me and asked if she could take a look at my back. I turned around and she said "How cool- a Tibetan dakini." She offered a specific name as well though it turned out to be incorrect. But I had learned somethings. I now knew what she was (a dakini, not a goddess) and I knew what tradition she came out of (Tibetan Buddhism). So from then on, when people asked who/what she was, I answered "A Tibetan dakini."
When I returned to New Mexico, I googled "dakini" but was unable to find an image that matched "mine" exactly. I did find a book title on Amazon that looked interesting, however- "Dakini's Warm Breath" by Judith Simer-Brown which I ordered. I opened the book when it arrived and there, on page three, she was. There was my dakini. Now I had her name- "Kumari." I tried to read up on her but, at least in the first chapter, there wasn't a whole bunch of information about her. Also, the book is a pretty sophisticated disussion of Vajrayana Buddhism and was really over my head. So I just placed it alongside my other unread books, confident that I had received what I needed.
About a month or so later, I was up at a spa in Santa Fe soaking in some hot water (a pattern begins to emerge here) when a man who identified himself as a Tibetan Buddhist commented on my tattoo and asked “What made you pick her?" Without really thinking, I heard myself answer "I didn't. She picked me." That moment confirmed what I must have already known intuitively- that my relationship to Kumari was something that was going to unfold over time. She was more than just a pretty face and I had done more than just decorate my back with her. Something was going on.
A few weeks ago, while soaking in another hot spring, a guy asked me about my tattoo. I decided to not to give him a very deep explanation as he was smoking weed like a Rasta on chemo but his question did get me to thinking. The hike back to the campsite was about 1 mile and this is what I came up with.
So one does not have to look far to find examples of fierce dieties within the spiritual traditions (ie Kali in Hinduism, Manjusri in Buddhism). Using Kali as an example, one may wonder at first glance why anyone would worship such a murderous bitch. (Kali is generally depicted straddling a prostrate Shiva, holding several severed heads and wearing a necklace of skulls). Obviously no one would. The violent imagery serves as a metaphor (for much more than I am qualified to discuss) but you get the point. Anyone who is even slightly curious about the symbolism involved in depictions of Kali would have no trouble googling very scholarly discussions of how Kali actually severs the head of our egos, freeing us from our conditioned beliefs etc etc blah blah blah. I read about this stuff sometimes and have a vague understanding of it all which, though interesting, has had zero impact on my life. But the other day was different…
So I’m walking down the trail, thinking about Kumari when a question came to me: “Well, whose brain is she holding?” Answer: “Yours” Question: “Well, what is she going to do with it? Eat it?” Answer: “It’s not for her. She doesn’t need it. It’s for you.” Then I began to understand all of this differently. I didn’t really gain any new insight, rather I understood what I already knew in a different way. Yes, that definitely is my skull she’s holding and those are my brains. Kumari will slice off your head and feed your own brains back to you- if you’ve got the balls to eat them. With a fierce compassion, Kumari will lop off your head and bring about the death of all you know and all you think you know, gracing you with the “severe mercy” of dying before you die.
But I also realized something else- if this is what I really (and I mean REALLY) want, I better be ready because Kumari isn’t playing around. Before one asks this pretty lady to dance they should probably think it through long and hard. Put another way- be careful what you wish for.
Gassho
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